Better Know A Stephen: Stephen King

If you look closely, you'll notice a little Shaun from 'Shaun of the Dead'.

Back in December 16th's episode of 'The Colbert Report', Colbert began a new segment entitled "Better Know A Stephen" and started off with none other than horror writer Stephen King. Granted, this episode aired a couple of weeks ago, but being a Stephen King fan myself I felt that it deserved a place in the Niche. Currently you can go to the Colbert Nation website and watch the segment, but for posterity's sake you can read the Stephen King interview here.

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Colbert: "Nation, I have never been a fan of spelling. Where does 'C' get off telling me to put 'E' before 'I'? But there is one place that spelling is crucial: my name. It is Stephen with a 'PH', not Steven with a 'V'. Stevens who are spelled with a 'V' are jerks. [photograph of Steve Carell appears] I love you buddy. Great seeing you in Chicago. So, I'm going to introduce the Nation to the good 'PH' Step-hens in my new me-plus-a-bunch-more part series 'Better Know A Stephen'. Tonight, Stephen King, the fightin' frightenin'!


"Stephen King has written over forty novels, starting with 1974's 'Carrie', in which a tormented high school girl uses her telekinetic powers to destroy her school's prom. The book firmly established Stephen King as a master of horror who had no friends in high school. Many of his books are set in his home state of Maine, which is no surprise considering Maine's terrifying inhabitants like Republican Senator Olympia Snowe, who voted in support of health care reform, enraging her fellow Republican, Mitch McConnell.


"After being hit by a van and seriously injured in 1999, King announced his retirement. He has disappeared from the public eye ever since, publishing only fifteen novels, one nonfiction book, thirteen short stories, three comic book series, and a regular column in Entertainment Weekly. Come back Stephen, we miss you! I recently sat down with Stephen King in my studio crypt."

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Colbert: "Mr. King, thank you for talking to me today."

King: "Absolutely." [They shake hands as Colbert parodies having a psychic vision like Johnny Smith in 'The Dead Zone', the vision itself being a parody of Francis Ford Coppola's film adaptation of King's 'The Shining'.]


Colbert: [Colbert returns from the vision] "First question. Millions of people have read your books, people look to you for entertainment, but America is facing a depressing time right now. Why do we need stories about a clown with razor sharp teeth? Why not a clown with razor sharp wit?"

King: "No, actually I think what we need are the scariest, most grizzly, gross stories that you could possibly imagine, because that way people feel better about their own lives."

Colbert: "Why do you think you turned to horror? Did it have anything to do with growing up with your father, Larry King? Being raised by a half man, half reptile must have been terrifying."

King: [King laughs at the joke] "My father was actually not Larry King"

Colbert: "Not Larry King?"

King: "No."


Colbert: "Okay. Moving on, your book 'Cell' has a gay protagonist. Is that your attempt to show people how terrifying gay people are?"

King: "No. The main character meets up with a guy who is a gay guy, but it doesn't play a big part in the plot."

Colbert: "Is he a murderer?"

King: "No, he's not a murderer. He's a nice guy."

Colbert: "Is he gay marrying people?"

King: "No, he's actually helping people along their way. And he's got--"

Colbert: "And when he helps them they have to feel better about gay people and that terrifies them."

King: "They do have to feel better about gay people, but he's also, I think, a fine American who just happens to be gay--"

Colbert: "Terrifyingly gay."

King: "Gay American--"

Colbert: "Terrorist."

King: "Terrorist?"

Colbert: "Terrorist."

King: "No, no. I think you're going to find that most of your terrorists are actually straight men."

Colbert: "Alright, let's count it prejudice, just blanketly say straight men are terrorists."

King: "Maybe a few gay terrorists."

Colbert: "You said that Hell is doing the same thing over and over again. In a related question, you've written two books a year for thirty-five years. Are you in Hell?"

King: [King laughs at the joke] "No, I don't think so. I really like what I do and the real important part about it is every one of those books is different."


Colbert: "Name one difference between 'The Stand' and 'Stand By Me'. They both have 'stand' in them."

King: "They both do have 'stand' in them, but one of them's about the super flu, it's about a flu virus that takes over the entire world and 'Stand By Me' is about kids that are looking for a dead body."

Colbert: "I'll take your word for it, I haven't read any of your work."

King: "What do you read?"

Colbert: "Bazooka Joe bubblegum."

King: "I didn't know they still made them."

Colbert: "Oh, absolutely! Oh, things are not going well for Mort."

King: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Colbert: "Um, your new book 'Under The Dome' has just been released. Let's just show you the ad in the New York Times. [Colbert pulls out said ad] 'His biggest book since The Stand'."

King: "Yeah."

Colbert: "Uh, here's the book. [Colbert pulls out said book] This would make a great murder weapon."

King: "It would."


Colbert: "No one would suspect that someone was bludgeoned to death with the latest blockbuster from Stephen King."

King: "There's a story in that."

Colbert: "Actually I guess everybody would kind of suspect that. [King laughs at the joke] Mr. King, thanks again for talking with me today."

King: "It's a pleasure." [they shake hands and parody the vision again]

"Goodbye, Stephen."

Colbert: [Colbert returns from the vision] "That wasn't so bad."