The Horribly Slow Murderer

True, while this may constitute as a faux trailer, the video itself is approximately ten minutes long and therefore deserves to be treated as a short film. "The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon" is written and directed by Richard Gale, featuring forensic pathologist Jack Cucchiaio (Paul Clemens), who becomes the target of the relentless Murderer's (Brian Rohan) beatings... using a common, household spoon. Yes, you read right. A spoon. (WARNING: spoilers ahead)

In the immortal words of the Tick, "SPOOOOON!"

It begins in the vein of a cat-and-mouse, psychological thriller with Jack Cucchiaio stalked by a hooded figure in black with deathly white skin... and again, with a spoon. But the genre takes a turn towards ghostly horror of the 'Ju-on' variety as Jack learns the supernatural nature of his tormentor. Consulting a grotesque mystic (Fay Kato) overseas in the Far East, Cucchiaio learns that the Murderer is a "Ginosaji", which cannot be stopped and follows its prey unto the ends of the earth. Cue the appropriate montage of Cucchiaio pursued across the continents, attacked on both land and sea. Nowhere is Jack safe from the wrathful Ginosaji's spoon.

Visiting a dermatologist and orthodontist would do wonders.

Adding additional humor to the chase, Richard Gale even includes an homage of Hitchcock's 'Psycho' shower scene. Hilarious! Especially the belly slaps.

"AAAUGH! Why couldn't it be a loofah?"

Finally, pushed to the point of absolute desperation, Jack retaliates with an amassed arsenal of weaponry and explosives for a last stand against the Murderer, 'Rambo' style. Everything fails. Everything. Lying exhausted and bloodied from the merciless barrage of beatings spanning over twelve years, the Murderer closes in for the kill... only to find that after a few hits the spoon has finally reached its breaking point, snapping in two. What now? Is Jack Cucchiaio free of this curse, or does the Ginosaji have more in store for him? We'll let you see for yourselves.

"The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon" is a riot, if nothing else for its ridiculous weapon of choice and the Murderer's tenacity. We give it four out of five spoons.