Darkley year, part II: movies (continued)

Darkley year, part I: movies

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MOVIES

 

'Fright Night' (1985)

This was a fun little tongue-in-cheek kind of film. Granted, there is plenty of cheese that comes with being a comedy made in the eighties, but if anything that adds to its charm. Not to mention there's something to be said about old school prosthetic makeup and puppeteering versus modern CGI special effects. Effects aside, however, an often soft-spoken, occasionally wistful, and understandably cowardly Roddy McDowall steals the spotlight as "Fright Night" TV show host and Vampire Killer, Peter Vincent. A bittersweet sort, his is a character that embodies a bygone era and, with the exception of our other protagonists, fondly remembers the past in which he played a part. In many respects, it's very much like the episode "Beware the Gray Ghost" in 'Batman: the Animated Series', wherein an actor of golden age television steps up to become the part he so reputably played.

'Fright Night' (2011)

Shortly after watching the original, we moved on to the more recent remake with Colin Farrell as the vampiric neighbor, Jerry Dandridge. Many liberties are taken with this modernization, such as moving the setting into an oasis suburb in Las Vegas, Nevada. But such revisions were really decisions that just made sense. And frankly, I was delighted that Christopher Mintz-Plasse changed the role of "Evil" Ed Lee into something better than an annoyance with a grating laugh. While Vincent was altered into a Criss Angel knock-off, I still appreciated it being done more as a comical parody. And we're sure that the Whovians out there fangasmed when the makeup was removed, revealing David Tennant. Outside of the internet (ex: Pinterest, deviantART, Tumblr, etc.) our exposure to the long-standing BBC series is minimal, but we can remark that Tennant made a pretty good first impression.

'V/H/S' (2012)

As is often the case, this anthology was a mixed bag. Though some segments were flops, like "The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger," (now there's a mouthful) others had merit and none more so than "Amateur Night." Firstly, it fits very well with the main narrative of 'V/H/S', which is ultimately creeps getting their comeuppance. It's rather difficult to watch men humiliate a woman by forcibly exposing her breasts on camera and not feel a burning desire to see their demise. The same applies here, only in this instance it's drugging dates with the intention of rape. Yeah... Moving on, one of the random women picked up during the barhop is Lily, whose name, without giving away any spoilers, turns out to be rather appropriate and her hushed words, "I like you," will be the most memorable thing from this whole anthology.

'Carrie' (2013)

Admittedly, we've never actually read Stephen King's novel nor seen the first film adaptation. Still, the remake made in 2002 is familiar to us and told a compelling story of a girl ostracized by her peers, the inherent fears of puberty, and a twisted combination of parental and religious domination through her mother. With that said, we were understandably expecting little more than a retelling of the same. And while this holds true, we're given greater insight into the story and its supporting characters, including Carrie's mother. For instance, the birth is witnessed at the very beginning of the movie and little clues, like the lock having already been on the closet door, give an inkling into what molded Margaret White into the disturbed woman she is. And on a side note, Chloe Moretz is an absolute sweetheart in her rendition of Carrie and delivered the sympathetic draw needed for such a character. 'Carrie' comes as a close second in the best horror films of this year.

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There are only a handful of horror films left to touch on, so continue to follow along as we finish this segment in the near future. Then, on to television and literature as we move forward in our summary of the past year from last October to last month.

Gravity Falls: Summerween

the Mystery Shack, decorated for Summerween

For those not familiar with the Disney Channel series 'Gravity Falls', the premise is how twin siblings Dipper and Mabel Pines spend their summer with Great-Uncle "Gruncle" Stan, a Shriner-looking sheister who runs a tourist trap called the Mystery Shack. (Or Mystery Hack, rather, as the letter S has fallen off of its proper place on the sign.) But, as the children soon learn, the town of Gravity Falls, Oregon is far from normal and appears to be a hub of all manner of strangeness. It's loosely like 'Twin Peaks', but less soap opera melodrama and for kids. (This is especially apparent at a restaurant called The Club, where the interior resembles the "Red Room.")

In time for the season, 'Gravity Falls' released its latest episode "Summerween," named after the fictitious holiday celebrated on June 22nd. The townsfolk of Gravity Falls apparently all loved Halloween so much that they invented it. (Definitely sounds better than Christmas in July in our book.) Essentially, Summerween keeps to the same traditions as Halloween does but with just a few discrepancies: watermelons are used instead of pumpkins to create jack o' melons, "cheap ol' loser" candy is prevalent (ex: Sand Pop!, Gummy Chairs, and Mr. Adequate-Bar), and, in direct relation to the candy, the Summerween Trickster. As Mystery Shack handyman Soos tells it to the Pines kids, the Summerween Trickster is a boogeyman who will get children discontent with the off-brand candy or lacking in the Summerween spirit.

bowl of cheap ol' loser candy

The legend of the Summerween Trickster has to be invoked, of course, so naturally a scenario shortly afterward begins to set itself up. Wendy, another Mystery Shack employee, along with a Donnie Darko-esque Robbie, the typical douche-bag boyfriend, come by the Shack to pick up her coat that evening. While there, she relates to Dipper details of a party happening later that night and that he ought to come. As it happens, Wendy is one of those slightly older cool kids and incidentally Dipper's crush. So when she inadvertently validates Robbie's point that trick-or-treating is for little kids, he decides to give it up.

"Twins in costumes! The people eat it up."

This proves problematic, as Mabel loves trick-or-treating and has fond memories of doing this together. To spare his sister's feelings, Dipper feigns sickness from eating some of the bad candy. But while in the middle of selling his white lie, there comes a visitor knocking at the Shack's door. Cue the ominous music, and here we are introduced to a trick-or-treating Summerween Trickster. However, exasperated with convincing his sister that he simply isn't up to it, Dipper rudely shuts the door on their visitor twice.

Yeahhh, you already know that this isn't going to go over well.

"Trick or treeeat..."

"Dude, really? You're a little old for this, man."

A third, more adamant knock bangs on their front door and this time Mabel answers, as Dipper refuses to. She politely excuses her brother's behavior, but the Summerween Trickster has been angered and will not be appeased until they have met his demand: retrieve five-hundred pieces of candy that night before the last jack o' melon goes out, or else he will be eaten (just like an unfortunate, random kid is only moments before). Now, even if this wasn't some sort of boogeyman, he's still an incredibly tall and creepily imposing guy. That alone should be adequate motivation. Even so, Dipper begrudgingly goes along with trick-or-treating as Mabel recruits Soos and her friends to help.

"I got a picture!"

Meanwhile, Stan Pines, the self-proclaimed "Master of Fright," gleefully anticipates terrifying any trick-or-treaters who come over to the Mystery Shack. Between an 'Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark' melting face scare and a disembowelment with sausage link guts, this works pretty well for the most part. However, two among the group of costumed kids are underwhelmed with the antics, despite his best efforts. So here we come to a standstill between an unstoppable force and an immovable object: a cheapskate who scares children to avoid handing out treats vs. horror-desensitized kids who want their candy. Who will break first? That question will have to wait.

Elsewhere on the streets of Gravity Falls, the Pines twins and their gang of friends begin hitting up the houses. But it becomes plainly clear that people won't hand out enough candy unless Dipper dresses up in costume, which at this point he hasn't. And to give them a healthy little reminder, the Summerween Trickster promptly drops in – quite literally – to check on their progress, or rather lack thereof.

"Tick tock, children..."

*blows out jack o' melon's candle*

Dipper relents and dresses in a complimentary costume to his sister's, the literal peanut butter to her jelly. This goes off without a hitch – especially with the twin cuteness factor – and during the ensuing montage of trick-or-treating the circle of friends collect four-hundred and ninety-nine pieces of candy, just in the homestretch. But when Wendy and Robbie happen to spy Dipper he ditches both the costume and candy, making up an excuse as to why he's out. When the older kids have driven off, we see that Mabel has overheard everything and is hurt that Dipper would have otherwise ditched her.

To make matters worse, the wheel barrel of their collected candy accidentally dumped itself into a ditch and washed the treats away in a creek. It's then that they notice all of the jack o' melons have gone out, save for one, and despite rescuing it they themselves wind up blowing it out with in sigh of relief. Oops. Cue the ominous music again, and the Summerween Trickster comes to collect.

"Knock, knock..."

Yeah, even as a kid's television show, that scene is still kinda creepy. 

Approaching the children on the deserted street, the Summerween Trickster corners them into a local dump. When Dipper is unable to deliver on his demands, the Trickster stretches taller, his humped back tearing through his coat, and another pair of spindly arms branch out. The Pines boy futilely flings the last and only remaining piece of candy at the changing character, only to see it absorb into the boogeyman's mottled skin. Laughing, it pursues the children and begins to nab them in its clutches. Luckily, Soos comes to the rescue in a truck and dashes the Summerween Trickster into broken bits.

Their luck doesn't last, though, as the Trickster begins reassembling itself into something more akin to a giant spider, with the exception of the smiley face mask. It leaps onto the moving truck, causing Soos to crash his vehicle into the local Summerween Superstore. Everyone is alright, but the immediate danger isn't over as the monster makes its way into the store and stalks about as they hide.

Blocking the entrance, they devise an escape plan by dressing in the surrounding costumes to disguise themselves from the Trickster as store props. Progress is carefully made and eventually they do make it to the front of the Summerween Superstore. Soos, however, cannot resist the temptation of the touch-activated, talking skull candy bowls. Despite Dipper and Mabel's hushed pleas he goes ahead... And it doesn't work. As it turns out, there are no batteries inside. But in a stroke of comical genius, Soos goes out of his way to tear open a package of batteries, install them, and press again, which of course works this time and alerts the monster.

the Summerween Trickster, here resembling No-Face ('Spirited Away'), swallows Soos

Perhaps emboldened by the dire situation of their friend Soos, the children brandish costume weapons and attack the monstrous Summerween Trickster. Flecks of the boogeyman-thing glance off of its mottled skin, some in their mouths, and they notice it has a flavor like saltwater taffy. When it sees that they haven't pieced together the truth, the monster removes its mask and reveals that it is, itself, made entirely of "loser" candy. "Did you ever stop and think about the candy at the bottom of the bag, that no one likes?" it asks. Every year, all of the rejected candy would be discarded in the dump, where it accumulated, grew sentient, and now seeks revenge on the picky children of Gravity Falls.

"Look at my face. Look closely..."

No one would eat him, he tells the children, "So now, I'm going to eat you..." But as the monstrous Summerween Trickster draws them closer within its clutches, it hesitates, gurgling out a cry of agony as its chest begins to painfully break outward. Then, Soos suddenly bursts through in a manner directly taken from Ridley Scott's 'Alien' films, even letting out a shrill, Xenomorph-esque squeal and flailing his arms before reverting to passively chewing. He offers some of the creature's candy innards, which catch the ear of the dying Summerween Trickster. Hearing that someone thinks it tastes good – all it ever really wanted – makes it happy, so resigns itself and passes.

Shortly thereafter, the little kid who was eaten earlier on also bursts out of the Summerween Trickster's body.

"'Sup, Gorny?"

"I've been twamatized!"

Back at the Mystery Shack, Stan Pines does finally prove himself to be the Master of Fright. When the two stubborn trick-or-treaters have tired of T.P.ing the place, they resolve to go inside and find out the old sheister. Little do they realize, though, that he's readying himself for a bath and walk in on him half naked. Fittingly enough, 'Psycho'-like music strikes up at the sight as they flee screaming into the night. Not only does he get his confidence back, he also lays claim to the bags of candy left behind. All in all, a good Summerween for Stan.

Mabel, Dipper, and friends also return to the Mystery Shack, finding Gruncle Stan in his customary chair near the television, watching a late night, horror movie marathon special. Also there, to Dipper's surprise, is Wendy, who relates that the party wasn't so fun after all. Plus, Robbie had to go home early due to choking on the wrong end of a lollipop. (Yup, that boyfriend's a keeper alright.) Dipper is pleased to hear this, but Mabel can't help being disappointed that they have no candy, considering after all the hardship endured that night. Stan pulls out the two claimed bags of candy and generously hands them over to his grandnephew and niece.

And so, the rest of Summerween night is spent gathered around the television, eating candy and watching schlocky horror movies. Not a bad way to end the night. Not bad at all.

ahh, holiday quality time with friends and family

We've been thoroughly enjoying Disney's 'Gravity Falls' and "Summerween" only reaffirms our faith in both its endearing animation and creative storytelling. Not to mention how this episode playfully nodded to a number of very adult horror movies in a kid-friendly way. When they're older, someday, they can appreciate that on another level as we can now. For parents who are hardcore horror fans, this is a good way to introduce their children to the genre without scaring the bejeezus out of them.

This episode scores five out of five jack o' melons.

hiatus happenings

Ouch. *cringes* It's been just shy of a year since our last post, here on the Darkley Niche. Been kept busy dredging away at work like a blue collar zombie. Apologies all around, readers. Without further ado let's get the reagent, because we're about to bring this blog back to life!

Although we've been absent for a considerable length of time from the blog scene, we've been keeping at it with watching and reading horror in both film and literature, respectively. And of course there's still oh so plenty on our to-do list. Here's an abridged rundown of what we've viewed in the more recent months during our hiatus. – We'll try to come back to these later on and write more in-depth reviews or commentaries. Consider this the first entree, so dig in.

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MOVIES

 'The Cabin in the Woods' (2012)

When you think you've seen all that horror has to offer, 'The Cabin in the Woods' takes many of the tried and tired subgenres and then turns them on their ear, like your ol' Nanna did when she caught you swearing. I had some inkling of what the premise was, but had only guessed at the tip of the iceberg. This is one film that we can confidently feel safe to say you won't be able to predict. Also, kudos to the filmmaker's nods to 'The Evil Dead' movies and guest cameo, albeit brief, with Sigourney Weaver. This was a fun ride, and it was apparently so for those making it.

'Creature from the Black Lagoon' (1954)

We've been meaning to see this Universal Studios classic for some time, but it wasn't until reading Gary Myers' "Understudy" in the 'Shadows Over Innsmouth' anthology that gave us just the right push. The creature itself, that is, the Gill-man, was an impressive costume, both in its appearance and functionality underwater. Not too many made during the fifties can make that claim. And we've been on a serious H.P. Lovecraft kick with all things Innsmouth, so this really hit the sweet spot. In certain respects, we would even favor this film over 'Dagon' (2001).

'Mary Shelley's Frankenstein' (1994)

Speaking of creatures, here is another movie that features one of its own. This little gem took us by surprise, as we had heard very little about it. And while the names Kenneth Branagh ('Hamlet') and Robert De Niro ('Taxi Driver') don't instantly bring "horror" to mind, it was all pulled off rather well. And there was a rather impressive line-up of actors, ranging from Tom Hulce ('Amadeus') to Ian Holm ('From Hell'). Our only real complaint is that Helena Bonham Carter's ('Sweeney Todd' and 'The Corpse Bride') physical appearance as the Bride was rather disappointing.

'The Thing' (2011)

Having been fans of John Carpenter's 'The Thing', we awaited this prequel with an equal measure of anticipation and trepidation. Admittedly, animatronics and movie make-up will almost always trump CGI in our book. But it wasn't too cumbersome with the latter, which was a relief. And speaking personally, I had to smile when seeing the inclusion of the alien spaceship deep in the Antarctic ice. That hails back to 'The Thing from Another World' (1952) and actually included a number of other bits that I recognized, which were also carried over. It adapted much of what made its two predecessors good movies.

'The Woman in Black' (2012)

When we come back to this film, we'll have to make an attempt at watching the 1989 adaptation, albeit both are based on Susan Hill's novel, much in the same way that both 'The Thing's and likewise 'The Thing from Another World' are with John W. Campbell's novella, "Who Goes There?" Surprisingly, it wasn't hard to watch Daniel Radcliffe without thinking Harry Potter. (If anything, Elijah Woods kept coming to mind.) While his performance was certainly noteworthy, hands down the best part of the film had to be the Eel Marsh House itself. If you've seen it yourself, you'll understand why.

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TELEVISION

AMC's 'The Walking Dead' (2010-present)

'The Walking Dead' has been a mixed bag for most, and while friends of ours have found plenty at fault with it, we still enjoy the series. Could certain changes have been made for the better? Sure. But as far as comic book adaptations goes, this sure beats the hell out of a lot of them. (Seriously. Look at 'Spider-Man's Green Goblin and ask how they go from the illustrated designs to a sorry, Power Ranger knock-off. With a little make up, Willem Dafoe's face would've been fine.) We're still working our way through season two, so it's always possible our opinion might change. We'll see.

John Carpenter's "Cigarette Burns" (2005)

Eighth episode of 'Masters of Horror's second season, "Cigarette Burns" made us think of Robert W. Chambers' 'The King in Yellow' stories, in certain respects. Instead of a play, however, we have a rare film that drives its audience mad. It could also be said that "Cigarette Burns" resembles Carpenter's 'In The Mouth of Madness' (1995), which we loved due to its obvious Lovecraft overtones. Lastly, while Udo Kier makes an appearance his screen time is regrettably kept short. (Coincidentally, this episode happens to star Norman Reedus, who plays a regular on AMC's 'The Walking Dead'.)

'Psych'  (2006-present)

Season six of USA's 'Psych' has included some comical homages to horror films, specifically episodes "This Episode Sucks" and "Hereeeee's Lassie". If James Roday and Dule Hill in full costume as 'Interview with the Vampire's Lestat and Blacula isn't enough for fang fans, it also guest stars Corey Feldman ('The Lost Boys'). And while "Hereeeee's Lassie" is essentially a parody of Stanley Kubrick's 'The Shining', there are additional little Easter eggs slipped into the episode, like pregnant neighbor Rosemary ('Rosemary's Baby').

Stephen King's 'Bag of Bones' (2011)

Ugh... Firstly, we're definite fans of Stephen King stories, so make no mistake. 'IT' (1990) the mini-series still ranks among our top horror favorites. But 'Bag of Bones' was nothing if not predictable, as much as we wanted to like it. (SPOILER ALERT) It didn't take much foresight to predict Pierce Brosnan's character was related to the cursed men, for starters. And let's be honest folks, having an author protagonist is a tiresome trend that occurs pretty regularly in King's work. Yes, it was integral to the plot, but come on. Enough with the writer characters, King.

'Adventure Time' (2010-present)

Cartoon Network's series 'Adventure Time' started with an outbreak of candy people zombies, so it was fun to see this idea brought back to life in 3x07a, "From Bad to Worse." Together with the murder mystery in 3x06b, "The Creeps," these two episodes comprised part of Cartoon Network's 2011 Halloween specials. – Speaking for myself, I particularly enjoyed these episodes as they're the closest I can get to watching horror films with my girlfriend.

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READING

 'Shadows Over Innsmouth'

Published by Del Rey Books and editted by Stephen Jones, this anthology includes seventeen stories all inspired by H.P. Lovecraft's "The Shadow Over Innsmouth," along with that as well. Some are hits, others are misses. But that's to be expected, really, and the hits really make this book worthwhile. "The Big Fish," "Daoine Domhain," and "The Innsmouth Heritage," were among my personal favorites. Be assured that a detailed Darkley Niche review will be in the works.

'Tales Out of Innsmouth'

As mentioned earlier in our two cents on 'Creature from the Black Lagoon', we've been indulging in Innsmouth-inspired stories. And while we haven't yet finished this anthology, shorts such as Gary Myers' "Understudy" have already made this read a worthwhile venture. Additionally, "The Weird Shadow over Innsmouth," which begins the book, was made from fragments of early drafts and reworked into a cohesive narrative by John Glasby. It's offers an interesting insight, although the story itself is a little repetitive, as is to be expected.

'The Whisperer and Other Stories' by Brian Lumley

Referring back to the previous book, this particular anthology is the reason why we put a pause on 'Tales Out of Innsmouth'. If it was to take a vacation from Innsmouth, guess again. "The Return of the Deep Ones," similar to most of those told in 'Shadows Over Innsmouth', spreads their tainted influence over to the shores of Britain. So far, so good. However, we may soon be swapping this for another of Lumley's anthologies, 'Return of the Deep Ones and Other Mythos Tales', and resume reading from there.

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That's all for now, our Darkley Niche faithful, but we hope it is enough to rekindle the embers of those followers who have been patiently awaiting this long-overdue post – like Cthulhu in his deathless sleep. We'll aim to keep this weekly to biweekly, if able. A film or book review may well be in order, come next time we write again. Until then, dream darkly readers.

ZotB: Chainsaw Maid

It's rather apparent that these two claymations were made by different creators, judging both in their varying storytelling styles and the appearance of the animations themselves. The overall tone of the first claymation is more dramatic and done at a slower, building pace, which works well in its favor with the "silent" theme of the film. ("Silent" in that there are no voices given to the characters, only subtitles. However, background music and sound effects are present.) We're drawn in with devices such as the subtle cue in the newspaper articles and the mysterious appearance of a frightened, bloodied woman at their door. Given the previously mentioned remarks, added to the Asian overtones of the short film, it almost has a feel like that present in some of the 'Resident Evil' games with a helping of Romero's 'Night of the Living Dead'. But perhaps we're reaching a little, there.

The sequel claymation, however, is at best a caricature of the former. Scenes like the unbuttoning of the maid's blouse, which originally had an air of secretive taboo, become as outright cartoonish as Tex Avery's "Red Hot Riding Hood." Not to mention that the figures and sets seem a tad on the crude side, particularly when compared to the first. But this rougher aesthetic plays well as an accent to its grittier, gorier theme. The violence becomes a little more creative and the body count much, much higher. Fans of 'The Evil Dead' franchise or 'Braindead' can certainly appreciate this one. As for the Asian overtones, if we can liken the first to the 'Resident Evil' games, this would be the less provocative, Western second-cousin of 'Big Tits Zombie'. Little remains of the original animation's Eastern influence, which is reduced simply to a few, gong-cued subtitles. Needless to say, we had mixed feelings towards the sequel.

'Chainsaw Maid' and 'Chainsaw Maid 2' earn a combined score of three out of five maids.


WARNING: The following animations contain extreme violence, albeit in clay. Viewer discretion is advised.

Late Bloomer

"We all saw it sprawled across the blackboard the second we stepped into Ms. Lovecraft's class... It's wingspan reached from one end of the room to the other, hovering above our heads as if it were about to pounce. It's.. chalk scrawled claws looking ready to grab up an unsuspecting student and fly away..."

Written and directed, respectively, by Clay McLeod Chapman and Craig Macneill
, 'Late Bloomer' was among the short films selected in the 2005 Sundance Film Festival, and with good reason. The success of the short is in its ability to personify the progression of confusion, repulsion, anxiety, then obsession of a seventh-grader boy on the precipice of puberty as through the perspective of H.P. Lovecraft, were he perhaps the student during Sex Ed. However, since the schoolteacher is already named after the author, we'll just refer to this nameless student as Randolph Carter. If you got that reference, you likely will catch the allusions made in those classmates that are named. (WARNING: spoilers ahead and sexual content)

Jimmy Pickman, "Pickman's Model"

Norween Dunwich, "The Dunwich Horror"

Larissa Innsmouth, "The Shadow Over Innsmouth"

'Late Bloomer' opens with the echoing twang of guitar strings, accompanied by the reflecting, nervous narration of an apparently adult version of our adolescent protagonist. You can't help but sympathize at least slightly for the perplexed students, as Jimmy Pickman voices aloud their collective confusion, asking, "What is that ungodly thing?" to which our lead replies, "It looks like an octopus." In response, their instructor authoritatively etches the name above its "dome-shaped head" in bold, chalk letters: VAGINA. As is often the case in classrooms, Ms. Lovecraft tells her pupils to repeat this foreign word.

"I shuddered at the sound it's name made in my mouth, whispering it with the rest of the students. It seemed to seep out from over my tongue, the syllables all soft and moist as if it had just drudged itself up from some sordid portion of my stomach, buried for centuries under the muck of my meals, rising up towards my teeth on a tide of bile."

As Randolph is made aware that all women are born with the namesake of that which they were "invoking" in unison, the more he notices that the girls of his class have begun to slink in their seats. Norween Dunwich in particular feverishly writes every "pagan name her high priestess called out" whilst fervently fanning her knees together. Only he seems to see that this was not some ordinary, textbook curriculum. Oh, no. This was in fact a ritual of an eldritch evil that lurked within the very female form, living amongst him and his fellows all along. As if this dawning dread-fright wasn't enough to test the sanity of a seventh grade boy, Ms. Lovecraft unveils from behind a geographical map another ancient blasphemy: "This is... THE PENIS!"

"Maybe a madhouse would be as good of any a place to save me, now. No doctor could erase this profane image from my brain forever... For I found myself staring at Him Who is Not To Be Named... the Mighty, One-Eyed Messenger! THE GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG!"

All suddenly goes black as Randolph appears in the school office of Principal Peters, the narrator pleading with the flush man in his robin egg blue suit of a foreboding metamorphosis. But the boy's words seem to fall on deaf ears as the scene transitions back to Ms. Lovecraft's classroom, his own horror now likewise engraved on every youthful face therein. It is only then that he is disjointedly aware of another set of eyes, locking onto those of Larissa Innsmouth.

"The creature hidden within her was attempting to communicate with me! It's sole mode of speech were a series of thought waves, transmitted through its clitoral antenna. Even now these beasts talked within their tombs, sending their telepathy out from beyond the cotton lining of all the girl's underwear... MmhmmMaHaHA!"

Losing his much-weakened grasp on known reality, Randolph at last descends into the dark abyss that is the reproductive system, Ms. Lovecraft's idolatry.


Visions of chaotic ecstasy ensue with instructor and fledgling adepts alike immersed in profane rites. Randolph's insane laughter aggressively gives way to guttural growls and all goes black as earlier. Consciousness slips again, bringing him once more before the desk of Principal Peters, whose bloodshot eyes only stare out from behind the sweating, fleshly mask that is his face. Looking back into that face is the calm countenance of Randolph, self-assured that his peers will eventually come to see the same revelations as he had in themselves. Not solely in conscious realization, but in physical actualization. Memory moves us one last time to Ms. Lovecraft's class to bear witness to the final horror, the reason for his presence in the principal's office.

"My pants were now crumpled up at my ankles, my hands hidden below the desktop... Strips of mother of pearl stretched along the floor, as if some slimy beast had been released from within me! The residue of its escape... shining over the linoleuuuuuummm...!"

To paraphrase The Lonely Island: "And now I'm posed in an awkward stance, 'cause I jizzed in my class!"

Here I thought that vomiting over my desk in elementary school was the worst humiliation to have happen in a classroom. That seems much more tame in comparison to this embarrassing incident in the end, but I digress. 'Late Bloomer' seamlessly blends Lovecraftian themes with those closely associated to the awkward transition into puberty, which is what makes the short so ingenious. Furthermore, the students are so thoroughly compelling in their roles that I found myself surprised with exactly how impressive their performance was. Especially when you consider my general disposition towards child actors, which is often one of dissatisfaction. I give it five out of five Ms. Lovecrafts.

On a side note, doesn't this particular scene in 'Late Bloomer' seem reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock's ending to 'Psycho'? If that was intentional, it's a stroke of sheer brilliance.