Friday, Friday

If we weren't dragging our feet metaphorically, we would surely be worn down to the kneecaps by now. Our Darkley Niche watchers are few, but regardless we appreciate the fact that we even have watchers, so our apologies for the lack of posts. We'll try to keep up on a more regular basis, perhaps on the weekends. And taking a page out of Rhonny Reaper's book, perhaps it's time we share the load a little by bringing our friend and Darkley comic co-conspirator, Don, into the Niche. After all, he's just as much a part of this concept as myself, so it only seems right and likely overdue. But we'll come back to that at a later time, after I've had an opportunity to show Don how to operate around Blogger.

Among the problems with neglecting posts, one such includes missing holidays and horror-related dates. Case in point: Friday the 13th. Well, while it isn't the thirteenth any more, it is the following Friday. So with that, here's an amusing, albeit brief, little video we were hoping that someone would have made and luckily did. Thank you, YouTube.

Also, say what you will about 'Freddy vs. Jason', Don and myself found that film to be an amusing love letter to both the franchises and certainly better than some of the sequels that preceded it. 'A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge'. Need we say more?

Happy Valentine's Day

Be mine?

Wishing all of our viewers a very happy Valentine's Day! Nothing says Valentine's and horror like the 1981, Canadian slasher My Bloody Valentine. So for all you horror lovers out there, be sure to give it a watch. There's nothing like a homicidal maniac on the loose to bring you and your significant other closer... Well, except for those couples in the movie. Read our review of My Bloody Valentine (1981), though we recommend that you do so after watching to avoid spoilers.

Since we've covered the original film last February, perhaps Don and myself will give the 3-D remake a watch this week. I'll reserve any doubting comments until we've seen it, but I will say that it does have Supernatural's Jensen Ackles. As my girlfriend Dara would remark, I've got a man-crush on the guy. What can I say? I took a real shine to him as Dean Winchester. Wish I had an older brother like him.

Oh, Jensen. You heartthrob, you. Can you do no wrong?
For the sake of My Bloody Valentine 3-D, let's hope so.

AVGN on retro slasher games

The Angry Video Game Nerd, known earlier on as the Angry Nintendo Nerd, is a web series of retro video game reviews with James Rolfe as said Nerd, an individual so foul-mouthed that he puts the most verbose of sailors to shame. The profanity, as well as exaggerated gestures, again of the offensive sort, is part of the critic's overall character and at the heart of it is meant to be comical. The same goes for his occasional "drinking" during a review, meant to add to his already volatile personality and the show's comedy. His love-hate relationship with playing lousy games on old-school consoles such as Nintendo, Sega, and Atari is what fuels the cycle of each webisode. Granted, the toilet humor can get rather old. So if you have a low or even moderate tolerance for this sort of subject matter, we politely suggest that you skip over this particular post. Remember, you've been warned.

As far as we're aware, AVGN has reviewed specifically four video games that were inspired by iconic slasher horror films, namely: 'Friday the 13th' (NES), 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' (NES), 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' (Atari 2600), and 'Halloween' (Atari 2600). This isn't to say that the Video Game Nerd hasn't discussed (or perhaps berated would be the better word) other horror games, as he's covered a handful of 'Ghostbusters' adaptations for different systems, but I digress. Of these four, we really have to tip our hat to AVGN's 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' review, not only because of the inclusion of Freddy Krueger as an active participant in the webisode, but also the clever homage to the Power Glove gag, which alludes to the sixth film in the franchise.

'Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare' (1991)

"Go yank your...[explicit string of profanity]! I've got the Power Glove!"

The rest of the reviews also include guest star cameos from their respective killers, playing out scenarios reminiscent of those seen in the original movies with the Nerd as their intended victim. However, as you may have surmised from his Power Glove quip (above), being passive in any situation, regardless of the circumstances, is not acceptable to the Angry Video Game Nerd. With the exception of 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' webisode in regards to the latter, each time he manages a successful escape from their sinister intentions and usually takes the advantage to retaliate, beating the killer at their own game most often with a console accessory as a tactful weapon.

Without further ado, here are the aforementioned Angry Video Game Nerd's reviews in the proper order that the four webisodes were released. Again, we give fair warning to those with a disdain towards prolific profanity and toilet humor.

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

In the previous Valentine's Day post, I posed the question of which 'My Bloody Valentine' movie would Don and myself watch. It's likely not a real surprise that we opted for the original (1981) first, though we did get partway into the remake (2009) afterward. Perhaps we'll pick up on that later. We have, however, seen several other films since the last review in January, the "double dud" feature. I've simply fallen behind. Expect to see some multiple film features down the road. In the meantime, we're giving this one a solo since it's been so long. (WARNING: spoilers ahead and some gruesome screenshots)


The back story that follows bellow isn't actually revealed until a bit further into the film. However, this seems like a more effective way to write out the review by doing it chronologically, rather than interrupting the flow with flashbacks.

In Valentine's Bluff, the holiday from which the small, rural town gets its namesake has dark undercurrents in the midst of an otherwise cheerful celebration. The Valentine's Day Dance is a hundred-year-old tradition that is anticipated by all the townsfolk. Or at least it was, until the tragedy that took place twenty years ago. Aside from the annual dance, the town's lifeblood is in its coal mines. As it happened, it was the evening of the Valentine's Day Dance when five miners were trapped underground due to a methane gas explosion. The accident was, in fact, negligence on the part of the two supervisors on duty, who had left early before seeing the men safely out or checking the gas levels.

Harry Warden, traumatized

After six weeks of digging, a rescue crew unearthed only one survivor, Harry Warden (Peter Cowper), who managed to stay alive by eating his dead comrades. Needless to say, the trauma drove Warden mad and spent the next year in the state mental hospital. Exactly one year after the mining tragedy, Warden returned to Valentine's Bluff to enact revenge on the supervisors. Their hearts were found at the town union hall, where the dance is held, in a pair of Valentine candy boxes along with a written warning: never hold another Valentine's Day Dance, ever. Since then, Valentine's Bluff has done just that, until now.

supervisors' hearts left at the union hall

Flash forward twenty years later. Two miners separate themselves from the crew down an empty shaft. Alone, one of them is revealed to be a young blond woman after stripping halfway down, exposing her bra and a heart-shaped tattoo on her left breast. The other figure, who we'll refer to as the Miner, remains in full uniform, leaving the mask on as she playfully strokes the breathing tube suggestively. After she guides the Miner's hand to her left breast his hand starts to shake, apparently now just noticing the tattoo. His whole body quakes, grabbing onto her arms, and violently thrusts her against a pickax protruding from the wall behind her, effectively impaling her just above the inked-in heart.

The scene changes, though how much time has lapsed is not revealed, to a crew of miners returning topside as a caption reads that it is Thursday, February 12th. As the men shower we learn that T.J. Hanniger (Paul Kelman, 'Black Roses'), one of the men present, has returned after a long absence from the town and that his old girlfriend, Sarah (Lori Hallier, 'Friday the 13th: the series'), is in a relationship with T.J.'s friend Axel Palmer (Neil Affleck, 'Scanners'). Awkward, to say the least. Regardless, things seem to be "okay" on the surface. Finishing their showers and getting dressed, the men hurry out to drive on over to the union hall, banjo music accompaniment enhancing the haste (as well as hick feeling). Over at the hall, the men meet up with their sweethearts, who are helping to decorate for the upcoming dance.

"Git 'er dun!" or in this case, "Git 'em up!" -- ah, hicks

Meanwhile, Mabel Osborne (Patricia Hamilton, 'Friday the 13th: the series') and Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds, 'Friday the 13th: the series'), T.J.'s father, discuss the reinstatement of Valentine's Bluff's festivities. Mabel, a kindly lady who runs the launderette, is excited about the dance, but Mr. Hanniger is more cautious. Asking that Mabel avoid mentioning that it's been twenty years since the last, you can tell that he's trying to keep the memory of Harry Warden and the murders under wraps. "My thoughts, exactly," she replies, abruptly followed by Howard Landers (Alf Humphreys, 'Final Destination 2'), one of the miners and annoying goofball, scaring the living daylights out of the poor woman with a fake, bloody gash on his head. Way to be a d**k, Howard. But at least he helps Mabel pick up the box that she dropped and its contents. Don pointed out that Howard was reminiscent of lame prankster Shelly from 'Friday the 13th part III', which I had to agree.

Shortly after, Chief Jake Newby (Don Francks, 'Goosebumps' series) also swings by the union hall to check up on the decorating progress, but more specifically to see Mayor Hanniger about a meeting. Before the two get to the chief's truck, Howard catches up to deliver a heart-shaped candy box to Mr. Hanniger. It was already there at the hall before anyone arrived to decorate, but it was addressed to the mayor. Neither Mabel nor Chief Newby confess to leaving the gift when asked, but he is happy to have it, saying, "If there's one thing I like better than Christmas candy, it's Valentine's candy!" But as the mayor and chief drive toward the aforementioned meeting, delight turns to dread when Mr. Hanniger reads aloud the note included with the gift: "From the heart comes a warning filled with bloody good cheer. Remember what happened as the fourteenth draws near." Horrified, Mr. Hanniger looks inside, revealing a human heart lying within.

the mayor's "bloody valentine" -- I would insert a 'Forest Gump' reference, but it seems too hokey

Later, the guys and gals enjoy themselves at a bar called "The Cage", drinking, playing pool, and five-finger fillet. But it's not long before someone decides to rain on their parade. The bartender Happy (Jack Van Evera, 'Black Christmas' 1974), who apparently has a penchant for retelling the tale, describes the Valentine's Day mining tragedy in gruesome detail. As it turns out the bartender had a firsthand experience, relating that it was he himself who had found Harry Warden in the rubble. Perhaps feeling responsible for the murders to follow, it would explain why he seems so bitter (ironic, with a name like "Happy"). Ending the tale, he sternly warns the young miners and women to forget about the party.

With 'Friday the 13th' already in my mind, this doomsayer seemed rather akin to the character of Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney). Maybe it's just the curse talk.

"You going to Camp Blood, ain't ya? -- It's got a death curse!"

"I'm tellin' ya now! This town is accursed!"

Of course they disregard his warning, adding insult to the bartender when Howard pops up from below the bar and blows a raspberry, causing the patrons to break into a roar of laughter. "Laugh now," rebukes Happy, "but you'll be sorry you didn't listen to me." But they pay him no heed, convinced that Harry Warden is just a "stupid legend" and resume their merrymaking. After singing a rather lewd song about the bar waitress, Sarah exchanges a few words with her ex-boyfriend T.J., which causes him to leave in a huff. Later, T.J. and Axel would meet up again at the town junkyard, another hangout for the young miners, to have a short-lived p***ing contest. Nothing is really resolved, but Axel tells him to stay away from Sandy.

Elsewhere that evening, Mayor Hanniger and Chief Newby exchange some words of their own. Calling the Eastfield Institute, the administrative office is closed and the nurse on duty can't tell them whether or not Henry Warden is in their custody. Soon after the phone call, a coroner enters the room and relates to them that it is, in fact, a human heart; specifically that of a woman in her thirties. This more or less confirms that it belonged to the murdered blond woman from earlier. While they can't say with any certainty, it would seem that Warden has returned to Valentine's Bluff.

Also elsewhere that evening, Mabel happily adds a few more decorations to her launderette and takes care of some leftover laundry, alone. Outside, an ominous figure watches from the windows, breathing heavily with an unnatural sound to it. As Mabel steps into a back room, the figure enters quietly, leaving a heart-shaped box of chocolates on a nearby table, and moves out of view to wait. Mabel walks back in and notices the box lying out in the open. Cheerfully, she opens the gift, not suspecting what it actually means. Like the mayor's there is a card inside, reading: "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, One is Dead, And so are You!" Right on cue, the lights switch off and Mabel turns to see the murderous Miner, who chases her into a corner and kills with a pickax. Poor Mabel. I honestly felt sorry for her, which is really saying something for a victim in a slasher flick. As far as stupid teenagers and twenty-to-thirty-somethings go, I have no particular sympathy for them, but a sweet lady like Mabel is another matter.

the Miner with pickax raised

The next morning, Friday, Mayor Hanniger and Chief Newby make less headway on the whereabouts of Harry Warden. A lady in administration at Eastfield Institute tells the chief over the phone that there are no records of Warden, meaning that he has either been released, transferred, or "on the slab". This, of course, is unacceptable to the chief. However, she adds that she can check the microfilms, but it will take several days to check them. With this uncertainty about what happened to Harry, Mr. Hanniger seriously considers canceling the Valentine's Day Dance. What puts the nail in the coffin is Mabel's murder, her body having been discovered in one of the launderette driers by Chief Newby after he notices heart decorations turned upside-down and a fowl smell.

Mabel Osborne's scorched corpse with the heart removed

After being notified, Mayor Hanniger suggests that they call in help from Granville, but Chief Newby, ironically, is the one who is more concerned about what the panic would do to Valentine's Bluff. He has the ambulance team go around back to take Mabel's corpse behind the launderette in private and pressures those present to a cover story, that Mabel died from a heart attack. Before letting them leave, Newby notices a heart-shaped card inside the otherwise empty cavity in Mabel's chest and slips it out. Reading it aloud to Hanniger, the Miner warns: "It happened once, it happened twice. Cancel the dance or it happens thrice." Weighing the words seriously, the Mayor instructs Newby to have all the town decorations taken down, as well as enforce a ban on any sort of parties on Valentine's night. (Meanwhile, the turmoil between T.J. and Axel continues to escalate and Sarah's feelings between the two are torn.)

Well, this simply won't do with the young miners and girls. Gathered around a table at The Cage, the friends decide that with the town on party lockdown, the only place to have one would be in the mines. Yeah, great idea guys. Apparently those gas masks weren't sealed on so tight. At least I'd like to think that's why they're all so stupid. And not the brightest thing to talk about in public, especially when the bartender is right within earshot. At least be discreet about your illegal plans. Although I have to say it was rather amusing when he insults Howard right to his face.

Random Friend: "Yeah, in the mine! Where people get killed and eaten."
Howard: "Beware of Harry Warden! ... Woooooo!"
Hollis: "Shut the f**k up!" [directed at Howard]
Happy: "Beware of what you make fun of, you little a**hole."
Howard: "Who?"
Happy: "YOU!"

It was good for a laugh, at least. But even Happy the bartender ignores his sound advice. Deciding rather than tip off Chief Newby about the party, he goes alone to the mines that evening to rig up a dummy dressed as Harry Warden to scare them away. A little inebriated, he plays around with the dummy, which swings a pickax when the lunch room door is opened. On the third time, however, the dummy doesn't swing the pickax. Still, Happy laughs and starts to walk away. Should've kept on walking. However, he is not drunk enough to dismiss it, instead turning around and opens the door again. This time out comes the actual Miner, who swings his pickax upward into the bartender's jaw.

most definitely an "Oh, sh**!" moment

Saturday arrives, bringing along Valentine's Day with it. The day passes by quietly as a few lonely, discarded decorations linger on the deserted streets. As night draws near, the circle of friends drive over to the mines and begin bringing in certain party essentials to the recreation room and kitchen. The festivities kick off as someone puts on some music while others decorate, prepare the food, play a little pool, and, of course, drink beer. Meanwhile at the police station, Chief Newby is given a start when a heart-shaped candy box is left anonymously for him. To his relief, the box only contains ordinary Valentine's chocolates. But it's a bittersweet moment when he reads the card inside, signed by Mabel.

Back at the party, a lesser character, Dave (Carl Marotte, 'Skinwalkers' -- Funny, really, because Chief Newby is on Dave's case and in 'Skinwalkers' Marotte plays as a sheriff.), is murdered in the kitchen by the Miner. How, exactly? By drowning him in a pot of hot dogs and water. As if drowning wasn't bad enough, he has to choke on hot dog water. Moving on, Chief Newby has the sense to drive over to the mines, just as a precaution. Before he leaves the station, however, his attention is diverted to the sound of dogs growling and barking. Outside, Newby finds a few strays circling and lapping at something lying on the sidewalk, a Valentine's candy box with blood pooled around it. Reaching down, the chief picks up a card which states that he did not stop the party. Angered and confused, Newby looks around and yells, "Stop the party... What damn party?!" As for the valentine itself, we can safely assume that there is a heart inside. I would venture to guess that it belonged to the bartender, Happy.

Wait! You said we were just bobbing for hot dogs! *gurgle*

What was only inevitable, T.J. and Axel's rivalry explodes into a brawl between the two. Hollis (Keith Knight, 'Whispers') handles the situation and breaks up the fight, but Axel, hurt more by Sarah's fluctuating feelings, storms out of the room. Likewise, the Miner's blood lust escalates, murdering another twenty-something, Sylvia (Helen Udy, 'Sweet Murder'), but not before frightening her with Happy's corpse hanging from a hook. John (Rob Stein), who was away fetching more beer for his girlfriend, returns to the secluded spot to find Sylvia with her head impaled on a shower nozzle, water and blood flowing intermingled from her mouth. If the friends could use the local authorities, it's now. Unfortunately, just as he pulls up to the entrance gates of the mine, Chief Newby gets radioed in by the police station, learning that the lady from Eastwood is on the phone with urgent news. Making a u-turn, Chief Newby unwittingly leaves the Miner to resume his work.

fetching beer, John completely misses Dave's concealed corpse

Happy's corpse drops in front of Sylvia, dangling on a hook

Worried about Sarah and her man troubles, Patty (Cynthia Dale, 'Alfred Hitchcock Presents') asks her boyfriend Hollis to take them down into the mines for fun. A few others chime in and Hollis, though initially hesitant, lets them convince him. T.J. notices Hollis and five others, including Sarah, leaving. Learning their intentions he tries to stop them, since it is against the rules to take women down. It would make more sense to have a rule set in place for employees only, if you ask me. Hollis, the only miner in the smaller group, assures him that they will only ride the rail carts down and return right back up to the surface. Riiiiight. After all that drinking, can we honestly expect that will happen? On a side note, the music accompaniment that plays while the carts go down into the mines adds a nice touch to the overall atmosphere.

Reaching the bottom, one of the girls points out a tunnel, asking where it leads. Hollis answers that it's an abandoned part of the mine, which they don't go down anymore. Way to set yourself up, Hollis. So of course they want a tour of the tunnel and, same as earlier, Hollis lets them convince him. But it's not too far along their tour that one of the young couples, Mike (Thomas Kovacs) and Harriet (Terry Waterland), decide to split from the small group to have a little private fun of their own. Meanwhile, back topside, Dave's body has been discovered by one of the girls and John soon after stumbles in, stuttering out his own find. Everyone present starts to panic, so Axel ushers them out while T.J. dials for the police. Unfortunately, the lines are down. After everyone else has left, T.J. tells Axel that there are a few others down in the mines. Putting aside their rivalry, the two men hastily don their mining apparel and head underground to rescue them, Sarah specifically.

Down below, Hollis, Slyvia, Patty, and Howard walk back towards the main shaft. Joking about why Mike and Harriet haven't returned yet, they hear the shattering of glass behind them. It startles them slightly, but they pay it no mind. As it so happens, it is the Miner some ways back in the very same tunnel, breaking the electric bulbs that light the pathway. A little later, T.J. catches up and relates to them the murders that have happened topside. However, instead of searching for Mike and Harriet together, T.J. and Hollis split off down opposite directions of the tunnel while Howard waits with the girls. Typical slasher film mistake. Hollis enters the old engine room to find the young couple impaled together by a large drill bit. The Miner emerges from the shadows and plugs a pair of nails into Hollis' head with a nail gun. Hollis, though mortally wounded, manages to stumble out of the engine room and back to the other three before collapsing, dead.

impaled together by a large drill bit

Hollis, murdered -- Doesn't he look an awful lot like Teddy Roosevelt?

In timely fashion, the Miner walks down the tunnel towards the three, effectively scaring off Howard who flees. "Howard, you bastard!" cries Sarah, "You can't leave us like this!" But her plea goes unheeded and leaves Sarah in an awful predicament, prying Patty away from her dead boyfriend all by herself. As the Miner draws closer, however, he cuts off down a side passage. Even with the Miner gone for the moment, Sarah knows that they are still in imminent danger. Patty, understandably, is still in shock and it takes a slap from Sarah to put some sense into her. Axel comes across the two girls and guides them towards the main shaft, dragging along a sobbing Patty most of the way. Nearing a tunnel crossing, Axel spies a spotlight coming from the parallel passage. He swings a piece of lumber at the approaching figure, thinking that it is Harry Warden. Fortunately it is only T.J., who is no worse for the wear.

Earlier, a few friends that fled had found Chief Newby to tell him of the party and murders, so by this time he has now driven back to the mines. Police assistance is on the way, but unfortunately Newby is the only officer on the scene. The rail carts are already underground, as are the elevators, which the chief can't bring back up. Approaching the the elevators at the bottom we see that the control panel has been smashed, likely by the Miner. Instead, they take to the ladder rungs in the elevator shaft and climb upward. Axel takes the lead and during a slip he accidentally pulls a rope, which falls down with Howard, either unconscious or already dead, attached at the end by a noose. A sudden stop in the fall causes the body to decapitate, spraying blood on Patty and Sarah before tumbling again to the bottom.

blood "money shot"

The friends climb down in lieu of continuing their ascent up the ladder to find another way out of the mines. Fortunately, Axel knows of a shortcut to the rail carts. Enclosed in a tight passageway with water up to their knees, Axel waits behind until T.J. gives him the all clear. When T.J. calls, however, his response is a painful grunt, a crack, and a splash. The three hurry back, finding the boarding around a sixty-foot well broken inward and Axel's helmet light sinking down into the cold depths. Knowing that there's nothing that can be done, the three push onward. The girls get separated from T.J. and around a tunnel corner the Miner lunges out, plunging his pickax deep into Patty's abdomen. Sarah retreats and finds a place to hide where she is found by T.J., who was given a crack on the head, earlier.

Above ground, reinforcements have arrived and head into the mines with Chief Newby at the lead. As the police make their way downward, T.J. and Sarah make it to the rail carts with the Miner hot on their heels. The carts start their ascent and the two hop on, but not before the Miner manages to hitch himself onto the last cart. T.J. and Sarah move forward, climbing cart over cart, as the murderer follows and gets within reach. T.J. fends the Miner off with a shovel, then tackles the assailant when his makeshift shield is lost. Sarah jumps off the rail cart after them to give T.J. the shovel and a fighting chance. Forcing them back down the main shaft, T.J. and Sarah duck into a side passage, a ventilation shaft, with a board across the entrance, labeled: "DANGER KEEP OUT". That can't be good. Regardless, the Miner pursues them in.

the Miner closes in on Sarah and T.J.

Haphazardly swinging his pickax around, the Miner lodges his weapon of choice into the passage wall and unsheathes a knife to finish off T.J. Desperate, Sarah reaches for the Miner's mask and pulls it away, revealing not Harry Warden but Axel. The exposure temporarily causes Axel to pause as T.J. can only ask why. In a flashback we learn that Axel's father was one of the two supervisors that Harry Warden had murdered, witnessing the brutal act himself as a boy twenty years ago. The moment of reverie provides T.J. with the opportunity to knock back Axel into a couple of weakened supports, causing the condemned ventilation shaft to cave in. Sarah and T.J. escape through the entrance, but Axel does not follow.

Moments later, Chief Newby and the reinforcements catch up, along with Mayor Hanniger. T.J. tells them that the Miner was not Harry Warden, which the chief confirms. The call that came from Eastwood earlier revealed that Warden had died five years ago. Learning that it was Axel, Newby and Hanniger turn their attention to the ventilation shaft. The men search through the rubble and unearth Axel's moving arm. One of the miners declares loudly that he's still alive, which reaches Sarah. Despite his murderous rampage, she still has an emotional attachment to Axel and hurries back to see. Through a hole in the pile of debris those present witness Axel on the other side, one of his arms severed. It would appear that Axel deliberately hacked off the limb and as he escapes into the darkness, he angrily shouts, "Hanniger! I'll be waiting in Hell for you! [gasps, and cries desperately] Harry! Harry, I'm coming! [resumes shouting] This whole f**king town is going to die! I'm coming back, you bastards! [laughs maniacally] Sarah, be my bloody valentine..."

ah, nothing like a little childhood trauma to build character

"Harry! Harry, I'm coming!"

Well, I can certainly see why 'My Bloody Valentine' is such a slasher classic. The Miner definitely deserves a place among the likes of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Freddy Krueger. Especially the former, since both are so closely tied to their respective holidays. Frankly, I'm rather surprised that it didn't go on as a franchise like these other slashers. The ending certainly sets itself up for a possible sequel. In the long run, though, it's probably for the best that it didn't. If we've learned anything from the slasher sequels it's that they tend to go downhill. Anyway, the story was great, as were the Miner and his murders. I give it five out of five bloody valentines.

Happy Valentine's Day

Wishing you all a very happy Valentine's Day, on behalf of Allen Darkley and the storytellers. Planning on paying my good friend Don a visit tonight and watching 'My Bloody Valentine', a first for both of us. Although which version we watch is another question. If there's enough time, we'll watch the original 1981 slasher and the more recent 2009 remake. I've acquired both, just for this occasion.

Black History Month, part I

While the recent hype is Women in Horror Month amongst bloggers, February is remembered here in the States, and Canada, as Black History Month. With that in mind, the Niche recognizes the talents of a select handful of the many black men and women who have contributed to the genre with a particular dignity, generally not perpetuating the negative racial archetypes seen, unfortunately, in numerous horror films. (I'm not just referring to blaxploitation flicks, I'm talking to the likes of the Wayans, too, with films such as 'Scary Movie'.) Here are half of a dozen individuals who will be acknowledged this time around. The remaining six will be accredited in a second post. It should be noted that they are not listed in any particular order.

DUANE JONES
(1936-1988)

No respectable list would be complete without Duane Jones, the lead in Romero's 'Night of the Living Dead' (1968) with Judith O'Dea. Jones later went on to star in a lesser known horror film called 'Vampires'/'Abandon' (1986), though I haven't seen this one, myself. Still, this one-hit wonder would be immortalized in zombie horror cinema as the predecessor to the "survivor" role seen regularly in such films.

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TONY TODD

(1954-present)

Portraying the only black, supernatural slasher among the likes of Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees in the 'Candyman' trilogy, Tony Todd also cameos in the first three 'Final Destination' films as well as playing Duane Jones' part in the 1990 remake of Romero's 'Night of the Living Dead'. Say "Tony Todd" in front of the mirror five times. Go on, we double-dog dare you.

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KEN FOREE
(1948-present)

"... When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."

'Dawn of the Dead' (2004 remake) was one of the first real zombie films that I had seen early on, aside from 'Shaun of the Dead' (2004) and 'Resident Evil' (2002). Something between the background music and Ken Foree's televangelist message gave me a sense of legitimate dread. Probably just the very notion of a zombie outbreak as something more than an infection, rather a form of apocalyptic punishment in the likes of Revelation. While Foree will always bring the remake to mind first for myself, he is better known in the original '78 film by George A. Romero. Some additional film appearances by Foree include: 'From Beyond' (1986), Rob Zombie's 'Halloween' (2007), and 'Zone of the Dead' (2009), among others.

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KEITH DAVID (WILLIAMS)
(1956-present)

Personally, I'm more familiar with Keith David's talents as a voice actor than a physically present one. Voicing Goliath from Disney's 'Gargoyles' ('94-'97) and Al Simmons, a.k.a. Spawn, from HBO's 'Spawn' ('97-'99) television series, his rich and deep vocals are easy to recognize. However, David has acted live in such films as John Carpenter's 'The Thing' (1982) and 'They Live' (1988), as well as 'The Puppet Masters' (1994) and 'Pitch Black' (2000).

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BENJAMIN "SCATMAN" CROTHERS
(1910-1986)

A regular jack of all trades, "Scatman" Crothers was an actor, dancer, musician, and singer. To horror fans he is best remembered as the Overlook Hotel's cook, chef Dick Hallorann, in Kubrick's 'The Shining' (1980). Crother's character is the whole reason behind the title of the story, telling Danny Torrence, "I can remember when I was a little boy. My grandmother and I could hold conversations entirely without ever opening our mouths. She called it 'shining'..." Crothers also appears in 'Twilight Zone: The Movie' (1983) in the second segment of the film, a remake of the episode "Kick the Can".

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TIM REID
(1944-present)

Much for the same reason that Ms. O'Toole earned a place in the Niche's "Women in Horror Month" part II, Tim Reid is recognized for his role in the film adaptation of Stephen King's 'IT' (1990). Mike Hanlon (Reid) is key to the story, serving as watchman by remaining in his hometown of Derry, Maine to keep vigil for Pennywise's reemergence and calls the other "Losers Club" members together. Granted, while this is his main contribution to horror, Reid proves himself more than capable of adapting to the genre.

double dud feature: Don't Look Down and New Year's Evil

Still playing catch-up on the film reviews, as mentioned in the triple haunted feature post. So once again the Niche presents a multiple film feature, affectionately dubbed the "double dud". Don and myself have seen our fair share of failure horror films, but try to glean what pearls we can from the grime. Every film, however horrible it may be, has at least one grain that is or could be made worthwhile. Finding that hidden potential can serve our own stories in the Darkley comic, as well as marking what mistakes to avoid.

Like the last multiple film feature, we'll keep the synopses shorter and leave out the important spoilers.

When you have to scan the DVD cover because there
aren't any decent images online, that doesn't bode well.

A made for television film, 'Don't Look Down' seems like a far cry from the stories associated with horror adept Wes Craven, who produced it. Especially when it feels like a Lifetime Channel program. It begins with an excursion to some woodland cliffs for a photo shoot when a loose rail gives (just as she strikes a 'Titantic' pose and says, "Ohhh! I feel like I'm flyiiiiing!" -- priceless), resulting in Rachel (Tara Spencer-Nairn, 'Wishmaster 4') plummeting to her death. Carla Engel (Megan Ward, 'Amityville: It's About Time'), deeply ridden with guilt for being unable to save her younger sister, develops a case of acrophobia, thoughts of suicide, and hallucinations of Rachel. Her husband Mark (Billy Burke), the photographer, can only watch as the effects wear her thin.

The remainder of the movie is spent with Carla involved in an experimental therapy group for acrophobics, but members begin to die one by one, falling to their deaths. Is Dr. Sardowski (Terry Kinney, 'Body Snatchers' 1993) killing his patients with his extreme methods? Is Carla scizophrenic like her mother and murdering her group mates? Or perhaps it is Rachel's vengeful spirit, pushing Carla to the breaking point? The only time in which 'Don't Look Down' actually becomes entertaining is near the end. It's meant to be serious, and likely scary, but for viewers with a sense of dark humor it comes off as just funny. Certainly the story has potential, but it's just done so boringly. If you want a good thriller about acrophobia, save yourself the trouble and watch Hitchcock's 'Vertigo' instead. I give it one-and-a-half out of five "flyiiiiing" Rachels.

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The blame falls to FEARnet for watching this one, and being January we couldn't pass on this. How many horror movies are there that take place on New Year's Eve, after all? The premise itself seemed sound for a decent '80s slasher flick: a killer calling himself "Evil" (Kip Niven) telephones in on a live, New Year's rock celebration show and tells host Diane "Blaze" Sullivan (Roz Kelly, 'Full Moon High') that he will commit murders at midnight. Yet they still manage to drop the ball on this film. And yes, pun most definitely intended.

"This... is... Eeeviiil!" -- overly exaggerated
tongue curl and all, using a voice distorter

Is a woman in her near-forties really the sex symbol
that would appeal to a teenage demographic?

First, there's the number of plot holes, the biggest being the most obvious. Somehow the murderer manages to drive across four time zones, allotting enough leeway for a killing in each. Just as an example, the shortest distance from Texas (Central) to California (Pacific) would still take approximately eight hours to drive. But our boy begins much further out in the Eastern Time Zone and makes his way to California. Please explain how that would work.

Putting logic aside for the time being, Evil's first target is a nurse working the late shift at the Crawford Sanitarium. Disguising himself as a newly transferred orderly, it's apparent that this was all planned out ahead. Waiting until the midnight countdown before delivering the deathblow to his victim, he records the murder on cassette tape and replays the slaying on air when he telephones in to Diane again. Likewise, Evil uses a similar tactic of donning a disguise and cover story to pick up a pair of women at a bar, whom he records, slays, and replays to the rock show host.

Meanwhile Diane's son, Derek (Grant Cramar, 'Santa Claws'),
exhibits mommy issues as he watches the show from her hotel room.
Why don't you love me, Mommy? Why???

ZOMBIES! SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD! -- Oh, wait, those are
just ravers. Still... better to be safe. (for real zombie raver action,
watch 'Return of the Living Dead: Rave from the Grave'.)

Disguised as a priest and likely on his way to a third target, a nun whose photograph is seen nearby, Evil accidentally angers a gang of bikers and ensues in a chase. Abandoning his car at a drive-in cinema (playing trailers for 'Blood Feast' and 'Blood Bath'), he steals another with a young woman in the backseat. She, however, manages to escape and the murderer hitches a ride to the hotel where the New Year's rock celebration is being televised. Despite police protection, Evil manages to enter and enact part of his revenge on Diane, which involves her chained to the bottom of a moving elevator. Without revealing too much, we learn that the serial killer has a deeply-rooted grudge against women, explaining the M.O. of female victims. Diane herself is the pinpoint of his personal vendetta and has been appropriately saved for last.

"Please... I'll do anything you want. We can even get it on if you
want to. I won't make any kind of fuss..." -- Is that really the best
thing to say in this situation? Encouraging a potential rape?

Wearing what appears to be a Stan Laurel mask,
it's never explained why Evil dons this near the end.

Unlike most horror/slasher films, however, the police actually prove to be pretty competent. Officers interrupt Evil before he can kill the woman kidnapped in the stolen car and the same happens with Diane. A chase ensues with gunfire exchanged between Evil and the police, leading to the rooftop of the hotel. Cornered, the murderer quotes one of the more famous lines from Shakespeare's Hamlet and jumps to his death. There is more involved with the ending, but that ties in with the spoiler. Needless to say, this isn't the end of Evil. A sequel was never filmed, however, so in reality this would prove to be the end. Probably for the best.

I must admit that I was rather critical of 'New Year's Evil', but having re-watched segments to refresh my memory I found that there were some redeemable qualities. The music, while typical 80's rock performed by bands that would have been forgotten otherwise, was rather catchy. Much, much better than 'The Howling II'. And I swear that Diane's musical introduction to the celebration special sounds like Puscifier's "The Mission". Listen and compare for yourselves if you won't take my word for it. And on a similar note, 'New Year's Evil' occasionally uses a whisper-like "shh-shh-hah-hah" audio string in the background, very similar to the one made famous in the 'Friday the 13th' films. That earns itself a couple brownie points in my book.

All in all, 'New Year's Evil' is a cheesy '80s slasher very typical of the time. It's not great by any means, but it's good for a laugh. And unlike 'Don't Look Down', this won't bore you to tears. I give it two out of five ball drop globes.

Brutal

If you're anything like myself, sometimes you browse through a collection of videos and mark down ones that get your attention for whatever reason, be they popular mainstream or essentially unheard of. On occasion I do that when I visit a video rental store, a generic store that sells DVDs, or online sites where you can watch TV shows and movies. In this case it was the latter. Hulu has some pretty mainstream material, but more than its fair share of unknowns, which brings me to my next horror movie review. (WARNING: major spoilers ahead)


I'm rather glad I didn't see the cover, otherwise I probably wouldn't have given it a chance. Any time I see a chainsaw on the cover of a horror movie, my mind instantly jumps to 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre', which I'm not knocking, but I would be hard-pressed to watch a knockoff of said film. Especially when you read the quotation beneath: "Hostel meets The Silence of the Lambs". Definitely sounds like a crappy knockoff then when comparing it to other horror films in such a way. Fortunately I saw the screenshot instead used by Hulu first, along with a synopsis that gave me appropriate expectations, which were "cheap, low-budget thriller flick, but with a potentially worthwhile story". So after reading the description I decide that, alright, I'll bite. And with the video expiration date coming up soon, I figured now was the time to watch.

"When the remains of several dismembered corpses are discovered, a sheriff and his beautiful, young deputy begin a frantic search for the murderer. The deputy uncovers a methodical pattern used by the killer - only to discover she's next on his list."

Enter Blackwater Valley, a rustic town protected by Sheriff Jimmy Fleck and his young deputy, Zoe Adams. It's quickly evident that the two are carrying on an affair, the sheriff being a married, family man, but they've managed to keep it under wraps. And aside from the recent string of animal mutilations, which folks assume are being perpetrated by some teenagers for kicks, it's a pretty quiet town. That is, of course, until the first victim in a series of murders to come is found.

Now yes, there is gore in this flick. Not tons of it, but still there is some. Personally I'm not a big fan of gore, with the exception of it in zombie films, but that's just how I am. So I'm just putting that out in the open, in case any readers may be particularly repulsed by that subject matter. But there is a legitimate purpose to the killings, so it's not a film with gore for the sake of gore.

Moving on, most of the victims, with the exception of the second target's boyfriend, are women. (And technically speaking, the boyfriend wasn't even a victim of the killer. He O.D.s after taking a large handful of her dad's little blue pills, which induces some kind of heart attack afterwards. Call it dark, but I found death by viagra rather funny.) Each body is left with a different type of flower, as a sort of calling card of the killer. The first is an iris, the second pair an impatiens, the third a cosmos, and the fourth pair some daisies. If you make the connection right now, color me impressed. Deputy Zoe's theory is the most credible, though ultimately incomplete, believing that the flowers were left according to the street name where the victim lived. So the first woman was left an iris because she lived on Iris Road and so on with the following victims. But as the sheriff points out, nearly every street in Blackwater Valley is named after a flower, making that particular detail essentially moot.

We see the killer from the very first murder, face and all, though it isn't until later that we start to pick up the pieces of his exact identity. And aside from his M.O. of female victims and flowers left at the scene, he uses a pair of hedge shears, for the most part, as the murder weapon. Perhaps a bit of a stretch, but I suppose farm and gardening tools fit into a plant theme with the flowers. As far as that goes, the exact motivation of the murders is unclear until the end. You simply assume he's killing women who are sexually immoral and harbors some sort of deep grudge against them because of it. That would make sense, as he gets rather hostile when advanced sexually by any of the women. And flowers are strong, sexual symbols in of themselves. Georgia O' Keefe, you can argue all you want, but a flower is still vaginal. But it's the last detail, the missing hearts of the murder victims (including the drug-overdosed boyfriend), that makes the killer's motivation more unclear.

Meanwhile, the stress of the murders only exasperates the underlying turmoil of the sheriff's and deputy's affair, as well as Rick, a rather stereotypical reporter, who is adamant about winning Zoe's affection. The more aggravated Sheriff Fleck gets, the more he throws his weight around, which causes Zoe to do some personal investigation into the case. This leads to Leroy Calhoun, an owner and trainer of bloodhounds who's something of a joke with the town yokels since he's mentally handicapped, apparently afflicted by something like autism according to Blackwater Valley's animal veterinarian. (Speaking of the vet, I found it amusing that he discusses Oprah during a visit to the Sheriff's department. Who talks about Oprah in a horror film, especially a guy no less?) It's never really explained exactly what Leroy has, except for an obsessive-compulsive need to open doors thirty-four times before entering a house, car, etcetera (going outside, however, is alright). After a little coaxing, Zoe is able to get Leroy's assistance as well as his hounds, especially when he learns that the animal mutilations might be connected.

Actually, it wasn't until the appearance of Leroy's character that I discovered a couple of horror cult icons in 'Brutal', namely Michael Berryman (Pluto, 'The Hills Have Eyes' 1977), the actor playing Leroy, and Jeffrey Combs (Herbert West, 'Re-Animator' trilogy) as Sheriff Fleck. Combs was much less recognizable than Berryman, donning a cowboy hat, mustache, and Southern accent for the part. So while their roles in 'Brutal' weren't particularly impressive, the actors themselves give the film a degree of appreciation for their contribution.

Jeffrey Combs as Herbert West in 'Re-Animator'

Michael Berryman as Pluto in 'The Hills Have Eyes' (1977)

Later, the killer meditates on the next murder as he sits in what is apparently the only bar in Blackwater Valley, watching a pair of women make out. By this point it's obvious he's not watching for the same reasons as the other bar patrons. It's when the waitress sits and talks with the killer that we get some insight into his mind. As it turns out, he's a middle school science teacher named Mr. Millbrook, who also happens to teach her son's class. This scene actually illustrates the movie quite well: intended female victims who fit the sexual immorality profile, disgruntled yokels who give a presence of the townsfolk, and the discussion between Millbrook and the waitress about flowers and their cycle of life and death. The students, who are growing their own flowers as a science project, reveals to us where the killer is getting his flowers. Of course the discussion doesn't last for long and, after following the two girls (who I'm more inclined to label exhibitionists than lesbians, since they get their kicks from pissing off the yokels), murders them in the middle of something cliche and stupid, just like all the preceding victims.

Elsewhere, with their illicit relationship growing ever uneasy, Sheriff Fleck tries to break off the affair and keep it quiet. With re-election coming up, he wants to save face. But of course this doesn't go over so well with Zoe, and fearing public scandal the sheriff sees a loose end to be taken care of. As luck would have it, there happens to be a serial killer in Blackwater Valley that targets women. With the killer as an ideal scapegoat, the sheriff contracts an ex-prisoner to do the dirty deed. But in an unexpected twist of events, not only does Zoe survive the attempted murder, she's saved by none other than Millbrook. Zoe regains her bearings, though not before Millbrook leaves, and quickly puts together who wanted her dead. It's during an explosive confrontation at the sheriff's house that Zoe notices a pot of flowers that belong to his son, a science project from middle school, and it clicks.

At the middle school, Zoe and Leroy put the pattern together, realizing that the flowers aren't just related to the street names that the victims lived on, as Zoe theorized, but are also relevant to the number of petals. Leroy, whose obsessive-compulsive behavior is apparently more numeric in nature, deduces that the flowers were used in a specific order that follow the Fibonacci Sequence. Confused? No shame in that, I was too. Let me break it down for you. Irises have three petals, impatiens have five, cosmos have eight, and daisies have thirteen. Not only was the killer using the Fibonacci Sequence to choose what flowers to use, and thus what street name his intended victims would be chosen from, but also using that respective number for the street address, which was the final determining factor.

Putting together the address of the next victim, 22 Aster, it predictably turns out to be Deputy Zoe's residence. And continuing the predictability, Millbrook arrives on the scene to dispose of her, but not before revealing his motives as he toys with the deputy. It all comes down to math, nature, and his inspiration, 17th century mathematician and scientist René Descartes. Descartes performed vivisections, dissections on living animals, which Millbrook remarks and gives creedence that he was behind the animal mutilations mentioned earlier. Also, according to Millbrook, Descartes had "proven" that animals have no souls. So, as his chain of logic follows, if humans are composed of the same physical material as animals, then humans have no souls, and without souls there is no sin, which seems to be his justification for the killings. Well, after a failed rescue attempt by Leroy, Rick arrives in time to shoot Millbrook. (Another dark humor moment, the blood sprays across a classroom marker board, which makes for a very easy clean up.)

All in all, while it was a rather cheaply done film, the story itself was not half bad. The only thing I find too coincidental is that all the victims happened to be women that fit into a similar archetype. Using the Fibonacci Sequence and flowers as the killer did to choose his victims, I'd say the odds of that actually happening is unbelievable. Putting that aside, 'Brutal' met my low expectations and then some. I give it two out of five Georgia O' Keefe irises.

Watch the trailer on YouTube, as well as the film itself.