Late Bloomer

"We all saw it sprawled across the blackboard the second we stepped into Ms. Lovecraft's class... It's wingspan reached from one end of the room to the other, hovering above our heads as if it were about to pounce. It's.. chalk scrawled claws looking ready to grab up an unsuspecting student and fly away..."

Written and directed, respectively, by Clay McLeod Chapman and Craig Macneill
, 'Late Bloomer' was among the short films selected in the 2005 Sundance Film Festival, and with good reason. The success of the short is in its ability to personify the progression of confusion, repulsion, anxiety, then obsession of a seventh-grader boy on the precipice of puberty as through the perspective of H.P. Lovecraft, were he perhaps the student during Sex Ed. However, since the schoolteacher is already named after the author, we'll just refer to this nameless student as Randolph Carter. If you got that reference, you likely will catch the allusions made in those classmates that are named. (WARNING: spoilers ahead and sexual content)

Jimmy Pickman, "Pickman's Model"

Norween Dunwich, "The Dunwich Horror"

Larissa Innsmouth, "The Shadow Over Innsmouth"

'Late Bloomer' opens with the echoing twang of guitar strings, accompanied by the reflecting, nervous narration of an apparently adult version of our adolescent protagonist. You can't help but sympathize at least slightly for the perplexed students, as Jimmy Pickman voices aloud their collective confusion, asking, "What is that ungodly thing?" to which our lead replies, "It looks like an octopus." In response, their instructor authoritatively etches the name above its "dome-shaped head" in bold, chalk letters: VAGINA. As is often the case in classrooms, Ms. Lovecraft tells her pupils to repeat this foreign word.

"I shuddered at the sound it's name made in my mouth, whispering it with the rest of the students. It seemed to seep out from over my tongue, the syllables all soft and moist as if it had just drudged itself up from some sordid portion of my stomach, buried for centuries under the muck of my meals, rising up towards my teeth on a tide of bile."

As Randolph is made aware that all women are born with the namesake of that which they were "invoking" in unison, the more he notices that the girls of his class have begun to slink in their seats. Norween Dunwich in particular feverishly writes every "pagan name her high priestess called out" whilst fervently fanning her knees together. Only he seems to see that this was not some ordinary, textbook curriculum. Oh, no. This was in fact a ritual of an eldritch evil that lurked within the very female form, living amongst him and his fellows all along. As if this dawning dread-fright wasn't enough to test the sanity of a seventh grade boy, Ms. Lovecraft unveils from behind a geographical map another ancient blasphemy: "This is... THE PENIS!"

"Maybe a madhouse would be as good of any a place to save me, now. No doctor could erase this profane image from my brain forever... For I found myself staring at Him Who is Not To Be Named... the Mighty, One-Eyed Messenger! THE GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG!"

All suddenly goes black as Randolph appears in the school office of Principal Peters, the narrator pleading with the flush man in his robin egg blue suit of a foreboding metamorphosis. But the boy's words seem to fall on deaf ears as the scene transitions back to Ms. Lovecraft's classroom, his own horror now likewise engraved on every youthful face therein. It is only then that he is disjointedly aware of another set of eyes, locking onto those of Larissa Innsmouth.

"The creature hidden within her was attempting to communicate with me! It's sole mode of speech were a series of thought waves, transmitted through its clitoral antenna. Even now these beasts talked within their tombs, sending their telepathy out from beyond the cotton lining of all the girl's underwear... MmhmmMaHaHA!"

Losing his much-weakened grasp on known reality, Randolph at last descends into the dark abyss that is the reproductive system, Ms. Lovecraft's idolatry.


Visions of chaotic ecstasy ensue with instructor and fledgling adepts alike immersed in profane rites. Randolph's insane laughter aggressively gives way to guttural growls and all goes black as earlier. Consciousness slips again, bringing him once more before the desk of Principal Peters, whose bloodshot eyes only stare out from behind the sweating, fleshly mask that is his face. Looking back into that face is the calm countenance of Randolph, self-assured that his peers will eventually come to see the same revelations as he had in themselves. Not solely in conscious realization, but in physical actualization. Memory moves us one last time to Ms. Lovecraft's class to bear witness to the final horror, the reason for his presence in the principal's office.

"My pants were now crumpled up at my ankles, my hands hidden below the desktop... Strips of mother of pearl stretched along the floor, as if some slimy beast had been released from within me! The residue of its escape... shining over the linoleuuuuuummm...!"

To paraphrase The Lonely Island: "And now I'm posed in an awkward stance, 'cause I jizzed in my class!"

Here I thought that vomiting over my desk in elementary school was the worst humiliation to have happen in a classroom. That seems much more tame in comparison to this embarrassing incident in the end, but I digress. 'Late Bloomer' seamlessly blends Lovecraftian themes with those closely associated to the awkward transition into puberty, which is what makes the short so ingenious. Furthermore, the students are so thoroughly compelling in their roles that I found myself surprised with exactly how impressive their performance was. Especially when you consider my general disposition towards child actors, which is often one of dissatisfaction. I give it five out of five Ms. Lovecrafts.

On a side note, doesn't this particular scene in 'Late Bloomer' seem reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock's ending to 'Psycho'? If that was intentional, it's a stroke of sheer brilliance.

Psycho's 50th Anniversary

"What? A surprise birthday party for me? Aw, you guys shouldn't have!"

Unwittingly in our previous post on the Niche, I made a reference to Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 thriller 'Psycho', since the film in review included an homage of the infamous shower scene. As it just so happened, 'Psycho' turned fifty that very Wednesday. Really, what are the odds of such a coincidence? So in lieu of this movie milestone, we urge you to take time from your hectic schedules to dim the lights, put on 'Psycho', and enjoy this Hitchcock classic.

Here's a little something extra, a behind-the-scenes video with Alfred Hitchcock giving the audience a personal set tour of 'Psycho'. The director's rather dry humor is amusing. But please, unless you've already seen the movie, we recommend that you wait on watching this until after viewing 'Psycho', due to spoilers.

The Horribly Slow Murderer

True, while this may constitute as a faux trailer, the video itself is approximately ten minutes long and therefore deserves to be treated as a short film. "The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon" is written and directed by Richard Gale, featuring forensic pathologist Jack Cucchiaio (Paul Clemens), who becomes the target of the relentless Murderer's (Brian Rohan) beatings... using a common, household spoon. Yes, you read right. A spoon. (WARNING: spoilers ahead)

In the immortal words of the Tick, "SPOOOOON!"

It begins in the vein of a cat-and-mouse, psychological thriller with Jack Cucchiaio stalked by a hooded figure in black with deathly white skin... and again, with a spoon. But the genre takes a turn towards ghostly horror of the 'Ju-on' variety as Jack learns the supernatural nature of his tormentor. Consulting a grotesque mystic (Fay Kato) overseas in the Far East, Cucchiaio learns that the Murderer is a "Ginosaji", which cannot be stopped and follows its prey unto the ends of the earth. Cue the appropriate montage of Cucchiaio pursued across the continents, attacked on both land and sea. Nowhere is Jack safe from the wrathful Ginosaji's spoon.

Visiting a dermatologist and orthodontist would do wonders.

Adding additional humor to the chase, Richard Gale even includes an homage of Hitchcock's 'Psycho' shower scene. Hilarious! Especially the belly slaps.

"AAAUGH! Why couldn't it be a loofah?"

Finally, pushed to the point of absolute desperation, Jack retaliates with an amassed arsenal of weaponry and explosives for a last stand against the Murderer, 'Rambo' style. Everything fails. Everything. Lying exhausted and bloodied from the merciless barrage of beatings spanning over twelve years, the Murderer closes in for the kill... only to find that after a few hits the spoon has finally reached its breaking point, snapping in two. What now? Is Jack Cucchiaio free of this curse, or does the Ginosaji have more in store for him? We'll let you see for yourselves.

"The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon" is a riot, if nothing else for its ridiculous weapon of choice and the Murderer's tenacity. We give it four out of five spoons.

Black History Month, part II

This February, the Niche looks at some of the talented black men and women in horror, who are not only noteworthy actors, but also dignified in their parts. In commemoration of Black History Month, here is part II of our honorary mentions. (To read part I, select here.)

DANNY GLOVER
(1946-present)

To action enthusiasts, he is Detective Roger Murtaugh from the 'Lethal Weapon' franchise; to Disney lovers, he is baseball manager George Knox from 'Angels in the Outfield' (1994). To those in the sci-fi community, however, he is Lt. Mike Harrigan from 'Predator 2' (1990) and even more recently to fans of horror/thriller films as a detective in 'Saw' (2004) and the conductor in 'Night Train' (2009). Talk about a diverse acting career, and the thing is that he's good in each situation. I'll be sure to elaborate more on Glover in a review of 'Night Train' that I've been neglecting.

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EUGENE CLARK
(1951-present)

I can't speak on the behalf of Romero's 'Dead' franchise fans, but 'Day of the Dead' (1985) seemed a bit off the mark. But what the third film did have going for it was Bub, the zombie that gradually learns. 'Land of the Dead' (2005) expanded on this concept, casting Clark as the zombie dubbed "Big Daddy", who leads a revolution as well as exhibits camaraderie and empathy with other zombies. The difficulty of portraying those characteristics as a zombie while remaining believable shouldn't be underestimated. On a side note, Clark has also played minor parts in master television programs the likes of 'Alfred Hitchcock Presents' ("User Deadly") and 'The Twilight Zone' ("The Wall").

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NAOMIE HARRIS
(1976-present)

Now, I've abstained from using the generalization of "African American", because we have something of a rarity, an Englishwoman in our midst. Ms. Harris has appeared in the latter two 'Pirates of the Caribbean' ('06 and '07) Disney films, and even more recently in 'Ninja Assassin' (2009), but what makes her remarkable, to myself at least, is her role in the gritty epidemic scenario seen in '28 Days Later' (2002). (Personally, I don't care if you call them "infected" or "zombies". Be technically correct if you like, I call it being anal retentive.) The story doesn't pull punches and neither does she, depicting a strong woman who has had to harden herself in order to survive this nightmare. Along with 'Resident Evil's Rain (Michelle Rodriguez), I would want '28 Days Later's Selena in my survivor group.

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AALIYAH HAUGHTON
(1979-2001)

While 'Queen of the Damned' (2002) wasn't an especially great vampire film (though I will take it any day over 'Twilight' (2008) in a heartbeat), it does have its redeeming qualities, such as Aaliyah. Alluring and seductive, her role as Akasha, queen-goddess of the vampire race, was memorable even if you put the starlet's own untimely death out of mind. When she walks into the modern day London club, exuding a feral power and stride that I can only describe as a female panther personified, she immediately grabs your attention. The only shame is that we see so little of her in this Anne Rice adaptation.

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EARTHA KITT
(1927-2008)

Alright, so I confess that I grew up watching the 'Ernest' movies as a kid, 'Ernest Scared Stupid' (1991) being my hands-down favorite. Aside from Jim Varney, Eartha Kitt was the most interesting character, cast as "Old Lady" Hackmore, Briarville's town recluse with a yard covered in junkyard sculptures. She fits the part perfectly, absolutely perfectly. And while 'Ernest Scared Stupid' is at its heart a comedy, it's the closest to horror that I've seen Eartha Kitt act in. And from what I hear, it's a heck of a lot better than 'Troll' (1986) or 'Troll 2' (1990). "Oh, my Goddddddd...!"

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RONALD McCALL and JERYL PRESCOTT

Unfortunately, I couldn't find much information about either McCall or Prescott, but if you've seen 'The Skeleton Key' (2005), you will remember them very well as Papa Justify (McCall) and Mama Cecile (Prescott). Granted, their screen time is very short, but their characters are pivotal to the plot. And while most movies with voodoo (or hoodoo, in this case) come across as either hokey or outright offensive, 'The Skeleton Key' makes it seem all too real and something to fear. Watch the ritual with Papa Justify's Conjure of Sacrifice record playing and tell me that you don't get goosebumps.

double dud feature: Don't Look Down and New Year's Evil

Still playing catch-up on the film reviews, as mentioned in the triple haunted feature post. So once again the Niche presents a multiple film feature, affectionately dubbed the "double dud". Don and myself have seen our fair share of failure horror films, but try to glean what pearls we can from the grime. Every film, however horrible it may be, has at least one grain that is or could be made worthwhile. Finding that hidden potential can serve our own stories in the Darkley comic, as well as marking what mistakes to avoid.

Like the last multiple film feature, we'll keep the synopses shorter and leave out the important spoilers.

When you have to scan the DVD cover because there
aren't any decent images online, that doesn't bode well.

A made for television film, 'Don't Look Down' seems like a far cry from the stories associated with horror adept Wes Craven, who produced it. Especially when it feels like a Lifetime Channel program. It begins with an excursion to some woodland cliffs for a photo shoot when a loose rail gives (just as she strikes a 'Titantic' pose and says, "Ohhh! I feel like I'm flyiiiiing!" -- priceless), resulting in Rachel (Tara Spencer-Nairn, 'Wishmaster 4') plummeting to her death. Carla Engel (Megan Ward, 'Amityville: It's About Time'), deeply ridden with guilt for being unable to save her younger sister, develops a case of acrophobia, thoughts of suicide, and hallucinations of Rachel. Her husband Mark (Billy Burke), the photographer, can only watch as the effects wear her thin.

The remainder of the movie is spent with Carla involved in an experimental therapy group for acrophobics, but members begin to die one by one, falling to their deaths. Is Dr. Sardowski (Terry Kinney, 'Body Snatchers' 1993) killing his patients with his extreme methods? Is Carla scizophrenic like her mother and murdering her group mates? Or perhaps it is Rachel's vengeful spirit, pushing Carla to the breaking point? The only time in which 'Don't Look Down' actually becomes entertaining is near the end. It's meant to be serious, and likely scary, but for viewers with a sense of dark humor it comes off as just funny. Certainly the story has potential, but it's just done so boringly. If you want a good thriller about acrophobia, save yourself the trouble and watch Hitchcock's 'Vertigo' instead. I give it one-and-a-half out of five "flyiiiiing" Rachels.

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The blame falls to FEARnet for watching this one, and being January we couldn't pass on this. How many horror movies are there that take place on New Year's Eve, after all? The premise itself seemed sound for a decent '80s slasher flick: a killer calling himself "Evil" (Kip Niven) telephones in on a live, New Year's rock celebration show and tells host Diane "Blaze" Sullivan (Roz Kelly, 'Full Moon High') that he will commit murders at midnight. Yet they still manage to drop the ball on this film. And yes, pun most definitely intended.

"This... is... Eeeviiil!" -- overly exaggerated
tongue curl and all, using a voice distorter

Is a woman in her near-forties really the sex symbol
that would appeal to a teenage demographic?

First, there's the number of plot holes, the biggest being the most obvious. Somehow the murderer manages to drive across four time zones, allotting enough leeway for a killing in each. Just as an example, the shortest distance from Texas (Central) to California (Pacific) would still take approximately eight hours to drive. But our boy begins much further out in the Eastern Time Zone and makes his way to California. Please explain how that would work.

Putting logic aside for the time being, Evil's first target is a nurse working the late shift at the Crawford Sanitarium. Disguising himself as a newly transferred orderly, it's apparent that this was all planned out ahead. Waiting until the midnight countdown before delivering the deathblow to his victim, he records the murder on cassette tape and replays the slaying on air when he telephones in to Diane again. Likewise, Evil uses a similar tactic of donning a disguise and cover story to pick up a pair of women at a bar, whom he records, slays, and replays to the rock show host.

Meanwhile Diane's son, Derek (Grant Cramar, 'Santa Claws'),
exhibits mommy issues as he watches the show from her hotel room.
Why don't you love me, Mommy? Why???

ZOMBIES! SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD! -- Oh, wait, those are
just ravers. Still... better to be safe. (for real zombie raver action,
watch 'Return of the Living Dead: Rave from the Grave'.)

Disguised as a priest and likely on his way to a third target, a nun whose photograph is seen nearby, Evil accidentally angers a gang of bikers and ensues in a chase. Abandoning his car at a drive-in cinema (playing trailers for 'Blood Feast' and 'Blood Bath'), he steals another with a young woman in the backseat. She, however, manages to escape and the murderer hitches a ride to the hotel where the New Year's rock celebration is being televised. Despite police protection, Evil manages to enter and enact part of his revenge on Diane, which involves her chained to the bottom of a moving elevator. Without revealing too much, we learn that the serial killer has a deeply-rooted grudge against women, explaining the M.O. of female victims. Diane herself is the pinpoint of his personal vendetta and has been appropriately saved for last.

"Please... I'll do anything you want. We can even get it on if you
want to. I won't make any kind of fuss..." -- Is that really the best
thing to say in this situation? Encouraging a potential rape?

Wearing what appears to be a Stan Laurel mask,
it's never explained why Evil dons this near the end.

Unlike most horror/slasher films, however, the police actually prove to be pretty competent. Officers interrupt Evil before he can kill the woman kidnapped in the stolen car and the same happens with Diane. A chase ensues with gunfire exchanged between Evil and the police, leading to the rooftop of the hotel. Cornered, the murderer quotes one of the more famous lines from Shakespeare's Hamlet and jumps to his death. There is more involved with the ending, but that ties in with the spoiler. Needless to say, this isn't the end of Evil. A sequel was never filmed, however, so in reality this would prove to be the end. Probably for the best.

I must admit that I was rather critical of 'New Year's Evil', but having re-watched segments to refresh my memory I found that there were some redeemable qualities. The music, while typical 80's rock performed by bands that would have been forgotten otherwise, was rather catchy. Much, much better than 'The Howling II'. And I swear that Diane's musical introduction to the celebration special sounds like Puscifier's "The Mission". Listen and compare for yourselves if you won't take my word for it. And on a similar note, 'New Year's Evil' occasionally uses a whisper-like "shh-shh-hah-hah" audio string in the background, very similar to the one made famous in the 'Friday the 13th' films. That earns itself a couple brownie points in my book.

All in all, 'New Year's Evil' is a cheesy '80s slasher very typical of the time. It's not great by any means, but it's good for a laugh. And unlike 'Don't Look Down', this won't bore you to tears. I give it two out of five ball drop globes.